Who knew that being yourself could be so darn hard.. No matter how hard I feel I try.
I try to be confident, and tell myself that I am happy with myself.. Who I am, and where I am going. That I am happy with my body.. With my hair.
But it is SO hard! Really, it is...
Some people say, "Oh just don't worry, or care about what people think, just live your life as you want."
Oh yeah that's all good and all.. It's so easy to say. But until you have felt this feeling of yourself suffocating under the weight of the collective disapproval and disappointment from friends and family for yourself, you can't really give that kind of advice.
I know I am not perfect... No one needs to tell me twice.
But God I try.. I try so hard to make everyone happy. But to tell you the truth it is absolutely exhausting. My anxiety can barely handle it! And unfortunately I don't talk to anyone about it because I honestly feel like there is absolutely NO ONE who will completely understand. Not even some of the people who are closest to me. It is so hard. So all I can do is bottle it all up until I break and make irrational decisions that I think will make me happy... But they don't.
I break down and feel horrible about myself. I tell myself I am fat, and ugly and no one wants me.. Silly right? But these feelings are real. And for someone to tell you they don't believe you or that these feelings aren't real is so difficult. But I still try my best everyday to make everyone happy.
Maybe I should stop trying so hard.. It would certainly save myself from a lot of stress and these feelings of doubt. And definitely take a load off of my anxiety.
Many people... Especially lately may disagree with me on this, but i do have a really big heart, I care about everyone. I care about helping girls and women feel beautiful, I care about animals. I care about the world we live in and the world my children will live in.
So maybe it is absolutely impossible for me not to care about what people think. But maybe what I need to do is just not let it get in the way of my life, not let it affect me the way it does..
Honestly, my life is not perfect.. Not even close. But I have an absolutely amazing, loving boyfriend who I would do anything for, but don't deserve after what I have put him through.. I have a loving, crazy and at time absolutely mental family. And I know that it could be worse... A lot worse.
So why am I feeling this way? Like I am completely helpless and a failure?
I think what I need to do is just take care of myself, my well being. Take a few yoga classes, maybe take part in a little retail therapy.. Actually probably not because my nearest and dearest would get mad and tell me I have a spending problem...(Okay maybe just a little.. But really what woman doesn't?) Maybe just a little shopping... It never killed anyone right?
I just need to spend more time on loving myself.. I feel that a lot of us just don't think about ourselves. We don't love ourselves enough. We take every little negative thing and absolutely ruin any speck of self confidence we have. And society and the media definitely do not help. Telling us to be thin, wear little clothing... If you have a few extra pounds, you're fat and ugly... If you hair isn't perfect, you're ugly... If you have cellulite, or stretch marks or acne you're ugly. Basically what society tells us is we need to look like Barbie to be acceptable..
No wonder we are all so screwed up! No wonder we all loathe ourselves to some degree. But these standards are NOT REAL! These expectations are not for us! We are better than that... I am better than that.
So be your self.. Be your wonderfully flawed, beautiful self. Don't worry if you can't stop caring about what others think or say.. Just don't allow it to get in your way!
Don't worry if your days aren't always perfect. All you have to do is wake up the next day and try again. Be your self and try again. Live, Love and Laugh every single day.
And always remember....
You are BEAUTIFUL!
xo Sarah
